


Memories

by HonkingHonkFriend



Category: Homestuck
Genre: In which it's post game and Gamzee remembers his friends, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-03-28 22:13:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3871636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HonkingHonkFriend/pseuds/HonkingHonkFriend
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post game, (Pale GamKar month).</p><p>Gamzee broke up in-game and Gamzee thinks about his friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how to do this, sorry.

Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA, and it has been exactly four sweeps now since everyone who survived Sgrub had beaten it.  


It’s been nearly four and a half sweeps since you’ve last spoken to anyone.  
It’s not like you should bother anyway, no one’s liked you since Sgrub.  
Kanaya still blames you for the Equius and Nepeta thing.  
Vriska’s scary as usual and you never even questioned to go near her.  
Terezi’s with Vriska most often and you don’t want to dare go where Vriska tread.  
The others were revived, Tavros, Eridan, Feferi, Aradia, Sollux, Equius and Nepeta, they all hate you too. You understand Equius and Nepeta, but the others… not so much.  
Then there’s Karkat.  


Karkat.  


That damn name makes you feel sad, and scary quick too.  
That name has the power to make you feel like the worst troll ever.  
Hell, you probably were.  
You killed all of his friends.  
You remember his voice yelling at you after the game while everyone else just glared at you from behind him.  
You said nothing as Karkat yelled at how horrible you were. How you didn’t deserve to be with them in this new universe. How you didn’t deserve anyone. He screamed that you were the worst moirail in existence.  
You could have attacked him, but you didn’t. You simply turned and left them. Ignoring whatever they were talking about, or in Karkat’s case, screaming about.  


You’d made yourself a nice little meteor to live on after all that.  
You sat outside of your hive, passing by that one galaxy that you hated yet adored at the same time.  
You hated it because it reminded you of simpler times.  
Times where more people liked you.  
Times when the two of you were friends- moirails.  
It fucking hurt you whenever you passed it. It managed to bring you to tears and rip you apart, putting you back together again only to do it over and over each sweep you pass it.  


Sometimes you think Karkat did it, but then again, why would he care about you?  
He was the one who made you leave.  


You must have done it subconsciously, because, who else would have done it?  


Nepeta wouldn’t even ‘ship’ you two pale anymore, you don’t blame her.  
You don’t blame anyone.  
You can’t bring yourself to blame any of your friends.  
You’re like them, everyone blames you, even yourself.  
You can't say you're surprised.

You stare up at the red and purple galaxy surrounded by the deep blue of the rest of space. You took note of the stars, how each time you looked up, they would all be in the same place. In the shape of a broken diamond, red inking out of the purple half, and purple leaking out of the red half.  
It hurts to see it.  


Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA and you are starting to bawl your eyes out like the giant, pathetic, useless wriggler you are.  


Every sweep you pass by that galaxy you feel like it gives you a reason to let yourself cry.  
To let yourself feel like you’re allowed to feel like Karkat, like anyone still cares about you, even if it’s not true.  
It lets you apologize for your sins, tell them how sorry you are, even if your apologies fall upon deaf ears.  
This galaxy.  
This one galaxy of candy red and deep purple holds all those memories of yours.  
All of the good ones you've had with your friends.  
Whenever you'd talk with Tavros when you were still friends, how you’d laugh and encourage each other happily.  
You messed up.  
You had a couple of memories with Equius, although it was mostly going to buy him musclebeast portraits. He liked them a fair bit.  


Then there were the memories with Karkat.  
The memories before Sgrub, where you were a high, idiot of a troll. You’d take insults without care, even if they were hurtled to you buy your former best friend, your former moirail, even more former pale-crush.  
You remember happily talking with him, even if he so obviously didn’t feel the same way towards you.  


You think about how you enjoyed time with Tavros, practically the only troll who ever gave a damn about you.  
Well, until you went and blew it by telling him your feelings to him. Sometimes you think back and realize how naïve you were. You probably shouldn’t have told him how you felt, maybe he would’ve talked to you after that if you said nothing, or never hinted to your flush-crush.  
Maybe he would have even stayed your friend.  


You regret it all. Oh mercy to the beyond how you regret it. But it’s all over now, you can’t fix anything.  
You regret (sort of) telling Tavros about your flush-crush. You regret killing Nepeta and Equius too, and in those other timelines where you killed everyone else too. You regret being an asshole to Kurloz too, even if he annoyed you.  
But most of all, you regret not being a better moirail to Karkat. You remember hearing how he complained about you and you not being a good moirail, you suppose that’s one of the factors to why you broke off your moirailigence.  
You regret regretting it all, then you regret regretting about regretting. Life can be a total bitch, can’t it? It hurts to think about it all now, and it was worthless anyway, not like anyone would hear your thoughts.  


Not like anyone would miss you either.  


The last you saw anyone was Strider, it wasn’t the good one who used to give you Faygo sometimes.  
It was Dave.  


You didn’t speak to each other.  
You were sitting on your little meteor and stared at him, your stare was returned (you think) before he zapped away.  
You’re pretty sure he warned the others about where your little meteor flew around, because you haven’t seen anyone at all since.  


You take out your husktop and read through old memos and Trollian logs.  
You miss your flush crush.  
You miss your pale bro.  
By fucking Messiahs you miss Karkat.  


Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA, and you have never before in your life have you ever felt so ALONE.

…  


No.  


No you will not accept that fate.  


Closing your husktop and captchalouging it you stand up and take out a handful of special stardust and with that handful of special stardust you splash your face and kneel, saying a prayer to the loving Messiahs.  
When you're done you look up to the red and purple galaxy.  
You swear every sweep when you pass it looks broken, then when you say your prayer it always seems to look fixed because there’s no more spaces of splashed colour.  


Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA, and maybe one day like will be just like it used to be, but until that day you’ll sit here on your meteor, praying and singing.


End file.
